Chapter 16
Without waiting for a response, I entered the room. After what was probably her first serious one-on-one conversation with her mother, where she wasn’t treated like a child, Chinatsu sat quietly on the floor, holding her phone.
When she turned to look at me, there were no traces of tears on her face. That gave me a small sense of relief. But her next words and demeanor told me otherwise.
"...You know… I didn't understand anything about my father... or even my mother. I used to say my mom was strict and my dad was lenient, right? But recently, I've been seeing so many different sides of my mom. Just a little while ago, she told me that she's never had a day where she wasn't glad I was her daughter. And even though today was terrible, absolutely awful, I think my dad felt the same way too—."
Chinatsu lowered her head and paused.
"But you know... it seems like even though I knew that they loved me, the reason why things didn’t work out between them in the first place was because of me."
She trembled as she spoke.
I wanted to tell her that wasn't true, but I kept my mouth shut. I knew that’s not what Chinatsu needed right now. I needed to let her finish.
—Just like she had done for me that day.
"Or I guess not, that’s just an excuse. …I didn't know my dad felt that way about me, but deep down, I suspected that I was the cause of their problems. I was just too scared to admit it."
Time and time again, my suspicions grew. She continued as she laughed in a weak and painful way.
"Perhaps it was like what dad said, and it was all because of just one hesitation. It might’ve been better if I endured everything. Looking back, maybe he was right. I mean, they did prioritize so much for me, like sending me to cram school, seeing me off and fetching me from when I was in elementary school, and enrolling me in a private school from middle school onwards that went through high school and onto university, probably to spare me the stress of high school and college entrance exams. They invested so much time and money in me. I only realized about all this after I met you, Hajime.”
It’s not like my current high school is any different from my previous school. Mask and all that. Maybe it always has been the same. Haha. She continued, weakly, almost self-mockingly before laughing softly.
She kept going on about whether enduring it would have been for the better, and if everything had fallen apart because of her.
She was laughing, but at the same time she wasn’t.
“...That’s a bit of a problem for me. After all, I wouldn’t have met you.”
I muttered softly.
Chinatsu shivered slightly at my words, and her eyes filled with tears. But they didn’t fall, it wasn’t because she was holding them in; they just couldn’t.
I recognized that feeling. I was sure it was something I have felt over a period of time.
It was an emotion you’d feel when you realize that the ordinary days you ‘believed’ and took for granted to always come would someday be gone. During times like that, you can’t even cry.
—You just feel a deep, overwhelming feeling of loneliness and sadness, and you end up distancing yourself from your emotions to protect your heart.
I looked up and gazed directly at Chinatsu.
There, I saw the most important person in my life, sitting with her head down.
Back then, I didn’t have you. But now, you have me. I want to be there for you. It might be arrogant of me to think that way, but...
"Hajime, you’re not a ‘number two’ or ‘someone like me’."
Because a certain someone said those kinds of words to me, I have my own place that no one can take away.
Despite the short time I’ve spent with Chinatsu, she's always done something for me.
That’s why, this time, it’s my turn to do something for her—.
I slowly moved closer to Chinatsu.
"—"
And hugged her.
Gently, so she wouldn’t break, but firmly enough to convey that she wasn’t alone. Not out of pity or familiarity, but with gratitude for being able to be there for her. I felt Chinatsu with my arms and my whole body—her warmth, her scent, everything about her.
Chinatsu didn’t say anything.
But slowly, her arms wrapped around my back.
We held each other tightly.
In the quiet room.
In the quiet world.
It was as if time had stopped.
"…urg…uwaa…"
Time started to move again, and sound returned to the silent world. I don’t know how long we had been holding each other, but it was a cry of anguish. The emotions that had been dammed up burst forth.
Back then, I wished someone had done this for me. Feeling the soft touch on my arms, my chest, and my heart, I embraced her and was embraced in return. Strangely, I felt my past self's emotions.
Aah, I thought.
I see. So people hug each other to confirm that they aren’t alone in the world and to also convey that to the ones they cherish.
Reaching that realization, I suddenly noticed a strange feeling in my eyes. At the same time, I felt something warm run down my cheeks.
"…Eh?"
Tears fell from my eyes, just like Chinatsu’s. Ever since that day, I hadn’t been able to cry. But now, without even feeling like I was crying, the tears that had built up were overflowing.
"Hajime."
My beloved called my name.
Still, the tears wouldn’t stop. They just kept flowing.
"Chinatsu."
I called her name in return. For now, that was enough.
◇◆
Wrapped in Hajime’s warmth, Chinatsu gazed at his face from up close. Tears streamed endlessly from his eyes.
Badump. She felt something fall inside her.
In her heart, she felt that she was in love with Hajime. And that this feeling’s name was called love.
The kind Hajime.
—She liked him.
The reliable Hajime.
—He made her heart race.
The Hajime who cherished her.
—It made her a bit shy, but she wanted to do the same for him.
Gradually, like water seeping in, Chinatsu had come to know and love all the good things about Hajime.
But now, seeing Hajime, the man in front of her, simply shedding tears, Chinatsu felt an overwhelming sense of affection.
The words “I like you" weren't enough to express it. Her heart was just so full of emotion that it overflowed.
It was a feeling she had never known, never felt before. She realized that people don’t fall in love just with someone’s good looks or kindness.
She thought that she couldn’t give up anymore.
No matter what anyone says, no matter what she sees, Chinatsu would always long for the person in front of her.
Fear, cowardice, hesitation. None of these could be reasons to give up on this feeling.
"Hajime."
She called his name. His tears kept flowing. It was impossibly beautiful.
"Chinatsu."
Her beloved called her name.
For now, that was enough.
So fucking emotional
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